When you go and love someone for exactly who they are AND allow them to explore who they want to become ...
Growth is inevitable in the both of you.
Back story ...
A long time ago, I use to complain about my man not stepping up, when in fact, I was leaving him no space to do so.
I was just so annoyed all the time because I felt like I was the one doing everything with every day being a repeat of the last.
Wake up, get kids ready, make the lunches, take them to day-care/school, be late for work, miss my lunch break to make up time, pick kids up from day-care/school, think about what to make for dinner, purchase the ingredients, make the dinner, try and help with homework, bath time, read a story, put them to bed, put a load of washing on, do the dishes …… and while he sat on the lounge during all of that, they still came to me to ask for that f*#@ing drink and to put them back to bed!
Oh, not to mention trying to find time for myself and to be a desirable partner.
It sounds exhausting and IT WAS!!!
But - After embarking on my personal development journey and learning how to look within … I could see what I had been doing.
I was emasculating him at every turn. Anything he did, he just didn't do it good enough.
If he didn’t pack the dishwasher right, I’d be at him.
If he didn’t cut the crust off the girl’s sandwiches, I’d be at him.
If he didn’t fold the clothes before the footy, I’d be at him.
If he didn’t sweep before he mopped, I’d be at him.
If he bought take out instead of making dinner, I’d be at him.
If he wasn’t doing anything to my standard, I took it upon myself to do it myself and I still complained about it.
So, he stopped trying!
I learnt that I was my own worst enemy and was over complicating everything.
- If you want help, just ask him. It really is as simple as that
- If there is a task you want done a certain way, then do it yourself without getting the shits
- Let him make mistakes
- Let him contribute in his own way
- Let him know what he is doing well
- Thank him without always needing it in return
- Trust that he is strong, capable, and willing
- Choose what to let go of and what to hold onto (Is it really worth your energy to worry about how he stacks the dishwasher?)
- Remind him he is worthy and loved
- Give him compliments and say things to boost his ego
- Take his compliments! (for so long if he told me I looked beautiful, I would just laugh or say “ whatever”. So, he stopped giving them. I thought it was because he didn’t think it anymore. But he did. He always does, he was just sick of me not taking a compliment)
- Let him catch you staring at him from time to time
- Tell him he is appreciated and why
- Don't compare him to other men, belittle him in front of others or make out his job or salary isn’t good enough.
- Most of all SAY what you want and say what you need! (Don’t fluff around. He does not know how to read between the lines like we do)
Hone and I have been married 18 years this year (2023) and through our own growth, we have elevated our relationship.
I feel like over the past 2 years we have “secretly” studied each other’s language and have learnt how to communicate way better.
We are also a team. We don’t blame each and we allow each other to make mistakes as long as we are learning from them.
We don’t blame other things or other people because if something is not working for us or not going our way, then WE choose to shift and pivot.
To anyone reading this who is caught up in “external” problems and trying to fix them as they arise.
If I can share anything with you today, I want you to take away this:
All of my growth, accomplishments, happiness, balance in life, good decisions and choices, relationships and opportunities came because I stopped trying to fix what I thought the problems were and instead took a deep dive into me and what makes me tick so that, I could reclaim who I was and, learn how to think and behave in ways that drive me forward rather than being held back by my personal limitations and blocks.
Once you can do that, things become better.
Through my lived experience, study of Neuro- linguistic Programming, Meta Dynamics and Positive Pyschology
My work in leadership, coaching and mentoring, I now help others who have a hunger for improvement reclaim who they are too.
Doors currently open for 1:1 clients.
One on One Coaching
Use this form to access your free 1:1 coaching session to first see if coaching is right for you and if we are the right fit for each other.